“Have compassion for everyone you meet, even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit, bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen.

You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.” – Miller Williams

As a therapist (and a human) I love this quote for two reasons:

• everyone is busy judging others without knowing why the ‘other’ is doing what they are doing.
• I love a ‘well turned’ phrase, and You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone. is a very well turned phrase.

I am a heuristic kind of guy

It is both strange and comforting to read a one word definition of so much of my life.

A heuristic (from Ancient Greek εὑρίσκω (heurískō) ‘to find, discover’), or heuristic technique, is any approach to problem solving or self-discovery that employs a practical method that is not guaranteed to be optimal, perfect, or rational, but is nevertheless sufficient for reaching an immediate, short-term goal or approximation. Where finding an optimal solution is impossible or impractical, heuristic methods can be used to speed up the process of finding a satisfactory solution.

This seems to be a reasonable definition of therapy and life (at least my life)

The security of misery

Back in the 80’s, when I was on a Person Centred counselling course, one of our tutors, Professor Charles (Chuck) M. Devonshire, said this:

“For most people, the security of misery is better than the misery of insecurity.”

I think he was right and I think this observation explains a lot of otherwise mysterious human behaviour.

Who doesn't want to feel safe?

Quite a few people don’t want to feel safe, because they have learned that feeling safe is not safe at all.

For them it’s much better to feel unsafe and be vigilant, looking out for signs of danger. The thinking goes something like this: “Don’t let your guard down, because ‘they’ will take advantage of it and hurt you”.

As a therapist I work hard to help people feel safe (a prerequisite of change), but if making people feel safe makes them feel less safe that’s tricky.

That’s a bind and a half!

I’d like to say that I’ve figured out a speedy and foolproof way of dealing with this, but so far I’ve only managed be painstaking and careful about it.